this is a blog space for writing about neurodiversity, mental health & art practice.
‘My body feels like a piece of wood’ (flow & dancing discussion w Finn Love)
That’s what I said, in my first somatic therapy session.
I also spoke about how there is this gap, between an impulse & a movement. Like the impulse is there, then I get lost in this analytical thinking & second guessing, before I can move.
I said I wanted to work on reducing tension, and increasing flow.
In relation to performance, I described my safe ‘green’ zone as slow, deliberate and pre-planned movement. Usually contained within the immediate space around my body, or with something to resist against. Free movement in a bigger space, and improvisation, would be well outside my comfort zone and result in a violent shame attack. Like in ballet, I always loved barre work but I hate floorwork, jumps and turns. Contemporary just feels like total humiliation for me.
I realised I always saw myself as less of an artist, because of this block and difficulty with flow. I was talking with an artist who really inspires me, Finn Love, about how she does her dancing - specifically how they do it sober. They told me something that really stuck:
And
‘One major factor is that my physical fitness has improved, so I have the stamina. But artistically, like, I love moving my body. If I were high I wouldn’t move the way I do now - cos I’m learning to be more fluid.
This was illuminating but also made me feel deeply sad, cos I can tell that my relationship to my body and movement is really not like this, deep down. I have never enjoyed moving my body. It always feels stressful and shameful and difficult, with so many possibilities for getting it wrong. I cannot imagine the feeling of ‘loving moving my body’
For me, the only taste I have had of that flow, and of a feeling of fluidity in my movement, is through being high. So it was super interesting and illuminating to hear someone say, that they feel like they’re becoming more fluid by *not* being high.
And the point about allowing the music to move you, rather than trying to move your body to the music - I feel like this is the kind of experiential level that I really need people to explain embodied things on. I never hear people saying how it *feels*, or how they make decisions about what to do with their body in improvised situations - rather than what to do. Just describing what to do, isn’t helpful for me because I can’t make my body do it. Especially if the instructions are ‘just do what you feel’. What if I don’t know what I feel or I get stuck.
I loved this insight into Finn’s practice & sobriety, and even though my relationship with my body & dance is so different, I feel like I can learn from it & take something forward about sobriety and how to connect with my body on an experiential level. <3