‘My body feels like a piece of wood’ (flow & dancing discussion w Finn Love)

That’s what I said, in my first somatic therapy session.

I also spoke about how there is this gap, between an impulse & a movement. Like the impulse is there, then I get lost in this analytical thinking & second guessing, before I can move. 

I said I wanted to work on reducing tension, and increasing flow.

In relation to performance, I described my safe ‘green’ zone as slow, deliberate and pre-planned movement. Usually contained within the immediate space around my body, or with something to resist against. Free movement in a bigger space, and improvisation, would be well outside my comfort zone and result in a violent shame attack. Like in ballet, I always loved barre work but I hate floorwork, jumps and turns. Contemporary just feels like total humiliation for me.

I realised I always saw myself as less of an artist, because of this block and difficulty with flow. I was talking with an artist who really inspires me, Finn Love, about how she does her dancing - specifically how they do it sober. They told me something that really stuck:

[ID: instagram message that says ‘Follow that path and give yourself space to move in the way the music moves ur body. Rather than trying to move your body to the music’]

And

‘One major factor is that my physical fitness has improved, so I have the stamina. But artistically, like, I love moving my body. If I were high I wouldn’t move the way I do now - cos I’m learning to be more fluid.

[ID: Instagram message saying ‘Like my relationship to movement and music is something that is deep in my soul and something I think about almost constantly’]

This was illuminating but also made me feel deeply sad, cos I can tell that my relationship to my body and movement is really not like this, deep down. I have never enjoyed moving my body. It always feels stressful and shameful and difficult, with so many possibilities for getting it wrong. I cannot imagine the feeling of ‘loving moving my body’

For me, the only taste I have had of that flow, and of a feeling of fluidity in my movement, is through being high. So it was super interesting and illuminating to hear someone say, that they feel like they’re becoming more fluid by *not* being high. 

And the point about allowing the music to move you, rather than trying to move your body to the music - I feel like this is the kind of experiential level that I really need people to explain embodied things on. I never hear people saying how it *feels*, or how they make decisions about what to do with their body in improvised situations - rather than what to do. Just describing what to do, isn’t helpful for me because I can’t make my body do it. Especially if the instructions are ‘just do what you feel’. What if I don’t know what I feel or I get stuck.

I loved this insight into Finn’s practice & sobriety, and even though my relationship with my body & dance is so different, I feel like I can learn from it & take something forward about sobriety and how to connect with my body on an experiential level. <3